99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
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*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.