99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
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me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I forgot how to panic. Help
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
The glory of fall.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff