99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
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Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I’M CRYINGGG
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.