99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
You Might Also Like
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Ain’t no way
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.