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Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”