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Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.
– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
The internet is magic sometimes.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
i’ve found my new favorite subculture