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The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
If it鈥檚 the thought that matters, I had a shower today 馃槈
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
if I wasn鈥檛 supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Her: 馃槈 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I鈥檝e ever eaten.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don鈥檛 spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food