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t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Okay, I’m still confused…
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.