You Might Also Like
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk