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Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Geez man, take it easy.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
