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Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something