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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Big Sex has us all fooled
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.