You Might Also Like
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
relationship goals
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I ate everything, including the H.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.