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Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
japanese corn
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.