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Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Flock of bats
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
LOL
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.