9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
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Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.