9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
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I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.