9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
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Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I want what they have
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.