9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
You Might Also Like
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.