[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
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*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.