[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
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When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.