@JustMeTurtle

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

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@captaincoximus

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

@ARobustLoofah

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

@Chhapiness

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

@goldengateblond

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

@luvleelyd

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

@weinerdog4life

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

@Jennifergr8

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

@sageboggs

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you