9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
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If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
No, he would not have.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.