9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
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I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
me and the Superbowl rn
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.