9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
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I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
mom gave me mine for free
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I’m too immature for adultery.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*