9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
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I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.