9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
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Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
good morning
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.