9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
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Confused owl: What?!
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Why do meteors always land in craters?
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.