9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
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Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.