9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
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Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call