9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen