9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
You Might Also Like
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies