9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
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When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Body by sandwich.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no