9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
You Might Also Like
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
What number SPF blocks people?
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
me and the Superbowl rn
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*