9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
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When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My neck my back my allergy attack
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.