Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
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Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I would like even faster food.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I’ve had relationships like this
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.