One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
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I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn