me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
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Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.