Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
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Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*