<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
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I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk