What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
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Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners