Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
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my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
“You’d better run, egg!”
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card