Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
You Might Also Like
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!