If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
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Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.