but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
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My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.