Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
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No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.