I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
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Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.