*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
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“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Go hard or stay average
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it