There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
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Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Oh the world we live in…
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.