If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
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My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.