Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
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Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
crying
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*