You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
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applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂