Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
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Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
This meeting could have been a cake