Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
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January is lasting longer than my marriage
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.